Reading in a Facebook group that I am a part of with other life coaches, I came across this excellent question . Those of you who have taken my class or are a part of my membership site and learned the model from me, may have asked yourself this as well. So I wanted to share.
“QUESTION: Since we choose our feelings/thoughts and our circumstances are not responsible, under what conditions would it be a good idea to change our circumstances (like in a lousy job, or an abusive relationship, etc. etc.)
This feels like sticky territory in the gaslighting department.”
ANSWER: We change our circumstances all the time. But you don’t want to be changing your circumstance because you are blaming it for how you are feeling.
Maybe my story can help. I’m in NY and wanting to move southwest (I’m a California girl originally). It is time to leave the frozen northeast (due to effects on my health), find something that is all one story (again, due to my health), and find friendlier business taxes (solid financial decision). All are good reasons for changing my circumstance.
But I realized that I had other expectations around the move and did a thought download. A thought download is when you sit down for 2 minutes and write every thought that pops into your mind as quickly as you can without trying to “edit” your own thinking. Here is some of what was lurking in my brain:
Thought: I will get out and explore more in the new city – it’ll be exciting.
Thought: There is fresher produce out west – it will be easy to feed myself better.
Thought: I’ll be outside more often because of better weather year round.
Thought: The new place will be better organized after a move.
Interesting, no? Of course, these are thoughts that I can be thinking right now, and implementing in my life without actually moving. I can look at the emotions they evoke and feel that now.
But the clear thing here is that I made my decision to change my circumstance based on very solid reasons that I like based on some health limitations and what would be good for my business. The decision was not based on those underlying thoughts and expectations.
If I were to decide to move based on an expectation that I would “be happier” in a different place, that would not be a great reason to change a circumstance. Changing a circumstance to “feel happier” is never going to work because you are taking all your thoughts with you that are making you feel unhappy. Clean up your thinking first and make sure you like your reasons for changing a circumstance in your life like moving, changing a job, or leaving a relationship.
