Personal boundaries are the physical, emotional and mental limits we establish to protect ourselves from being manipulated, used, or violated by others. They allow us to separate who we are, and what we think and feel, from the thoughts and feelings of others.
Creating boundaries is just a matter of deciding what is acceptable to you and what is not. If it is not acceptable that someone assumes they can phone you at any hour of the night, you decided for yourself that you are no longer to take calls between 9 p.m. and 7 a.m.
Then you stick to your boundary.
Set your phone to privacy during those hours or silence the ringer each evening. Whatever you need to do to enforce your boundary for yourself.
If that person questions it saying, “I tried to call you the other night, but you didn’t pick up.” Then you can respond with, “Oh, I no longer have my phone on after 9 p.m. It is more important for me to have quiet time before bed and get consistent sleep.”
See – nothing you said is about THEM.
You just informed them about yourself.
You don’t need to say, “You can only phone me during the day” or “I can’t have you waking me up.” You don’t need to be rude. This is not about them at all. It is about you.
So if you have chosen to set boundaries for yourself, make them be about you. Do not make them be about other people or the other person. Stop crossing into the territory of others to announce your boundary!
Setting a boundary can be a temporary easement. Removing yourself from a conversation or not waiting forever at a restaurant for someone to show up. It is your choice.
Setting a boundary is not way to manipulate someone else.
If you are trying to make them do or not do something, then you are being manipulative and that is not going to make you feel better. It is just going to make you feel worse.
You have not resolved the issue because you are still dependent on them “toeing the line.”
You have given them all your power.
If they deviate from the boundary you shoved in their face, then you are going to feel bad all over again.
So be clear about your thoughts – journal it all out.
Make sure that you’ve done the work to understand that how you feel is the direct result of how you’ve been thinking and the stories you’ve been telling yourself.
Then decide if you need a boundary for yourself.
Remember – if you do not feel peaceful and loving about this, it is not the time to set a boundary. If you are trying to manipulate someone else’s behavior, or if you are blaming, you are not in a place to do boundary work.
You can hear a lot more about boundaries and examples of boundary setting in episode 18 of Weight Coach. You’ll find Weight Coach listed in iTunes Weight Coach Podcast Ep #18
