When I was out in California at The Life Coach School, one of our practical assignments was to buy a treat – something we really love and rarely allow – to bring back to class after lunch. For me, I decided this had to be pizza. Not normally something I would buy as a treat, but something I rarely ever allow myself to eat. So we all headed out of the classroom to lunch. I walked in the gorgeous sunshine to the local grocery store. This was “Nugget” that we all frequented during our stay there. In a corner of the Nugget was a pizza counter.
I sidled up to the pizza counter like an under-cover agent. When pizza guy asked if he could help me, I quickly pointed to a slice with mushrooms and pepperoni. Pizza guy prepared the triangle slice box and started to set the scale that would print the deli tag for the cashier. He could not get it working. In the meantime, my brain starts to freak out because now I am standing in front of the pizza counter TOO LONG. People will begin to notice the chubby lady buying pizza. I am dying there. My brain was silently screaming, “Just get it in the box and the triangle box in my basket before anyone sees!” Pizza guy continues to fumble . . . .
My objective observer kicked in at the same time my brain was in freak-out mode. My observer was becoming more and more amused at the silliness of being paranoid about buying a treat. It brought back a memory of when I had dieted down to a very fit size 2 in my 30’s. When I hit “goal,” my family and I celebrated at a local Mexican restaurant. I decided to treat myself to a dessert and ordered fried ice cream. When it arrived at our table, I was shocked to see how huge their offering was. It was in a fried flour tortilla shell, the size of a salad. What I noticed even more was the reaction of the others in the restaurant. There were indulgent smiles and nods; delighted, twinkling eyes that said, “Just look at that little thing digging into the huge dessert. How cute!” Now this was a completely foreign experience for me. Just 8 months prior I had worn a size 22 and ordering a giant ice cream dessert then caused looks of judgment or pity. There would have been the slight nods of heads and looks that said, “Disgusting.” So now the wide smiles of strangers really threw me. I had known the silent prejudice of people who have never known what it is to struggle with eating in the past. But I certainly understood the full ugliness of this when it came into contrast with how people were acting around me when I was a size 2. All this came back to me while standing at the pizza counter in Nugget. Finally, after what seemed like hours instead of minutes, the pizza guy handed me the evil triangle box. I promptly stuffed it down into my basket and headed to the hot table to get chicken curry for lunch. Two of our master coaches were standing smack in front of the curry chatting. Again, I had to screw up the courage to ask that they move aside so I could get to the curry. I knew this discomfort was totally unnecessary and of my own making! Food issues: People will see me buying food. My objective observer was even more amused now, wondering how I ever grocery shop and do not starve. Finally I got my chicken for lunch, grabbed a diet soda and headed to the register. Check out girl says, “Did you find everything okay?” I answered, “Oh yes, thank you.” She then said, “Well it certainly looks like you did” as she slid the triangle box under the scanner. My brain said, “Did I really just hear that?” Even my objective observer was shocked. I smiled with a little pained look, swiped my credit card and got the heck out of the store.
Outside the store, I stopped for a moment and took stock of what just happened. I even found myself laughing about the entire episode and my own reactions. I had “fat shamed” MYSELF! It surprised me that I had found my objective observer. This was something we had talked about in class that week. It was perfect that the whole issue of “people seeing me buy food” came up when it did. I don’t recall it ever being that intense. But the process of learning to coach brought up many emotions and issues to the surface that week.
Why do we think we are under a microscope? How did the experience of being a size 4 affect my views today of “fat shaming?” Understand that others cannot shame you. Only you choose the thoughts about what they say or do that bring up emotions of shame and embarrassment. You can decide to think otherwise. You can choose to feel differently. I certainly could have chosen differently in the Nugget, especially when no one else was even paying attention to what I was buying! All those thoughts and reactions were in my own mind. That is where all our emotions originate. Have you ever had a similar experience? Can you relate? Can you replay the incident in your mind and see that was your own thoughts all along?
