Jackie Kennedy Onassis
On my soapbox this morning because I have yet again come across a post from a widow site that is such a downer. As a widow myself, I know the sadness can be crushing – so why try to make it even more painful? I’m determined to change the discourse on widowhood! Not just for widows, but the views of society as well.
I hear so much from the hundreds of widows I speak to about how people think. There are two camps. One is that the widowed should never consider another relationship – their husband should “live on in their heart forever.” Like our husband’s wouldn’t live on in our heart forever, no matter what? Really?
Many new widows cannot even imagine ever caring for someone else. But many eventually reach a place where their heart opens again and they realize there is room in their heart to love again, even as they continue to love their deceased husband. Yet there are those who think the widow should carry on as a widow, isolated, alone, and sad for the rest of her life. Um, our vows before the eyes of God are until death do us part – not beyond and into eternity. Will we love them for eternity? Yes, at least I do believe I will love my spouse forever as he is a part of me. But we are no longer bound to them as a wife.
Camp #2 starts telling us after only a few months that we should be over it and out there dating again. We need to just stop being sad and pull ourselves up by our bootstraps. Get on with it. A dear friend who I know has the best of intentions for me told me this after only 4 months or so. “You’re an attractive, healthy, vibrant woman. You need to be out there.” I was not in a place to even hear that suggestion. I couldn’t imagine it. Even after a couple of years when I could imagine it, there was the lingering thought that there would be no one who would love me.
In that lies some truth. How many think, “No one will ever love me like that again.” Or perhaps the widow thinks she has aged and gotten “podgy” over the years and who the heck wants to get naked beside her now? Sorry to be so blunt, but I think there is a lot of truth there. I get it – I am not actively out in the community looking to date; that’s for sure. But I have acknowledged to myself that should love find me again, it would be too precious to pass by.
What I do want society as a whole to learn is that widowhood is not the end of life for someone. It is also not something that is worked through in a matter of a few weeks or a few months. People need to know HOW to be supportive and not judge. Most importantly is to change the expectations of widowhood. All the preconceived stereotypes are disgusting. She is either to be weeping and alone for the rest of her life, or be considered a whore widow out trying to grab away everyone else’s husband (the worst stereotype ever). Widows are not desperate for a man. We actually can become more self-confident and grow in our life far beyond most humans.
So what stereotypes have you encountered as a widow? What notions would you want society to change?
Thank you for this and putting out there what almost all of us have encountered. This couldn’t be more spot on, it’s as though I wrote it myself. Yes, I was at a point that I thought “well, this is it, I am at 46 meant to go through what’s left of life alone”, “I will never have any interest in another person”. Now, coming up on 2 years I am having feelings of “what if”, but maybe it’s just the companionship that I feel is missing which is okay too. I am not actively searching for another relationship but am no longer ruling it out either. Hugs to you and Thanks for your blog
Hi Chris, I’m glad this hit home with you. A dating coach for widows reached out to me once so we could collaborate, and she indicated to me she would not work with a widow who was less than 18 months a widow. It seems right around that 2-year mark is when most of us begin to feel that another relationship with the right person could happen. I knew around at 22 months my heart could open up again. So good to hear from you!
In my own personal experience , it is my own children and family members that struggle with the concept that a new person may stand where once dad did. That sense of loyalty is very strong when there is such a strong bond with the man who now lives in our hearts . It is very difficult for them , loving their dad as they did , they will always have a sense of loyalty to their “own”. As much as I want things to be as they once were , it’s no longer that way. He is not coming back.
Over time, as the pain and has healed and intense grief has lessened , I realized I have two choices . I can choose to live the life I still have because I am still alive or I can choose to sit in pain for the rest of my life . I look back 5 years later and I see how
different things are. Time does heal but still, time marches on.
I think only now my sons are slowly seeing mom has a right to move on as she chooses because they too are moving on . We are growing.
It will be 10 years this November 2018 and I still misss him so much ❤️ Maybe someday but no hurry 🙏🏼The Lord will determine my fate ❤️
Hi Joann
Thanks for your very accurate account of what we widows experience. I have experienced both “camps” actually lost what I thought was my BFF because “it wouldn’t be good for my marriage to remain friends with you”. It took me two years to get over those words and the loss of what I thought was my best friend. I started to date after 2 years and fell into the “whore widow” camp per my in laws. Society needs to understand loosing a spouse is entirely different than any other loss. Emotional support is what we need not opinions and judgements from those who have not walked our path.
Oh Lynn, I am so sorry you had to experience being ostracised as a result of becoming widowed. It is something none of us chose.
Brenda,
It is so good that your sons are beginning to understand that your being able to move into your future does not mean you don’t still love and miss their dad. Hugs!
I think it’s a unique personal journey, and none of us will move on ,until we can stop looking back. It’s impossible to look forward , when all you see is the past.
I believe all of our days are written by God, God says to be still and know that I am God . My faith tells me to trust him… And right now I cannot imagine moving forward with someone else, but I have a huge heart full of love, and grief is when you love so much and you have nowhere to put it…We just have to wait until God shows us the next chapter.
Definitely no hurry – we are each different and on our own personal journey. Much love!
Sharon, you are so right that no one can move forward if they are still living in the past. It doesn’t mean we give up the past or cut ties with the past! Our years with our spouse is something we will always carry with us. But you have to look ahead of you and think new things before you can build a new life for yourself.